I had a dream last night that i slept through my alarm... That woke me up about an hour and a half before my alarm was supposed to in off. Of course that then kept me awake. Now i'm tired. Very tired.

When i'm tired, i get low. Today I'm feeling lonely. I've lots of friends and get on well with my work mates, but i have no companion. I tell myself that living with decrepit parents and having no money means i have nothing to offer... I know that's bullshit, but I am my own worst enemy. My self esteem with women is at an all time low.
I'm not a complicated man, all i really want is to know that when i get home there will be someone there i can hold and who wants to hold me.
Not necessarily a lover, just a companion would be enough. More though than a parent can offer.

when tired is the worst time to think, but it's hard not to...

Tags: depression, dreams

normal service is slowly resuming....

Tags: depression

I'm so very low.
What's the point? Why continue if i'm too poor to stand on my own two feet?
For fucks sake, i'm 32 and reliant on frail parents for a roof over my head.
This flat was my chance, my one chance to break out on my own. But i'm too poor, even for a charity set up to help poor people!
For fucks sake if i was a paki or a pole or some other immigrant, the government would bend over backwards to give me a house. But not me, i'm a white british english tax payer, so i can get fucked.

I'm 32 and all i have is a job i quite like which pays peanuts, elderly decrepit parents, a car that doesn't like the cold and a bunch of friends - none of whom still live with parents and most of whom i haven't seen in 6 months.

I can see no way out.
The future's not bright, it's shit.

Tags: depression

if you don't want to listen to a big bloke feeling sorry for himself and being honest about emotional stuff, stop reading now.

i nearly lost it this morning... for no apparent reason i felt extreme, debilitating sadness welling up inside. i pushed it back down again, but that's not the point. i guess for most people this might not be strange, but for me it was fucking weird!
why was it so strange? well quite simply because i keep my emotions in such check. i have always been afraid of what would happen if i got truly angry, christ look at the size of me compared to ordinary people! but more the point, i usually surround myself with people i care for and i could never forgive myself if something happened to any of them because of me.
also i have suffered much rejection in life and as such have developed a seriously "thick skin". in a vain attempt to not get hurt emotionally, i've buried my emotions so deep that when something like this morning happens it completely catches me off guard.
i wear masks, metaphorically speaking. i wear different ones for different people depending on what i think they want or need to see at the time. i will always wear masks, that's too much a part of me now.
what's beneath the mask even i'm not quite sure any more, but i'm pretty sure it would resemble an emotionally wrecked child.
even when i'm happy my guard is still up, it's hard to let one emotion through without letting others out too. i think this may part of my trouble with women, i've never really let myself go and if i let someone get very close they probably see this, maybe they think it's something to do with them.
when i see couples together like i did at the wedding, i become jealous. not because they're shagging or whatever, it's because they are comfortable enough with another human being to truly share what's inside and the other half of the couple is comfortable with this and to do the same in return.

maybe i need to "find myself", but what if i do and i don't like who i am?

Tags: depression
Current Mood: weird